As an instructor, it is my desire that every one of my students obtain the ability to actively listen to the lectures that I give. I notice that each student who do use active listening techniques are typically the students who master that topic easier and faster than those who do not. In peaceful situations, the art of active listening is easy to perform and will gain rewards for the user of this technique. So why then is it so hard to perform active listening when in a conflict situation?
I feel when we are in conflict situations, we have a tendency to shut down and quit listening as we are focused on strategy and how to win an argument. In this exercise we have been asked to recall the last time we really listened to someone else which is part of the Cycle of Resolution described by Stewart Levine in his book Getting to Resolution (2009).
As a parent, I find myself struggling with my two children and their constant battles to flex their dominance as alpha child in our household. I love they have each other to sharpen their teeth upon, but if left unchecked it will drive them apart rather than form a common team. In my life, I found my parents used a rather bizarre method of conflict resolution which I have been deploying on my children as I saw its value in my life and relationship with my sister. This method involves that whenever my sister and I were in conflict, we would have to both sit in the room with Mom or Dad in between us, and each had to tell our story. As a child, I thought this was for our mediator to listen to the story, but now I realize this is the opportunity for each party to gain a better understanding of the situation.
For these negotiations, each child has an opportunity to discuss without interference from the other side. The other party must listen, without interrupting and show they are utilizing active listening techniques. After each child has their turn, the mediator typically only had to have each shake hands and carry on as the conflict usually was self resolving. When we fail to listen to the other side of the story, we have a greater tendency to misunderstand their reasoning, which is often the source of the conflict in the first place.
My last conflict which I really listened was between my wife and myself. In this moment, we had both had a bad day and were taking our frustrations on the closest person to us. Early in our relationship, we created porch time as it was the solution to one of the most epic battles of modern human history (or maybe just our marriage). Porch time begins by one or both of us realizing that a resolution needs to be found. We grab a bottle of wine and two glasses and head to the porch where it is typically night and there are no distractions to draw our attention away from the situation. In this event, we pour a glass of wine and sit in silence for a few minutes to allow the aggression to leave and wine to be sipped. When one of us has achieved calm, we begin to talk. Whomever begins talking has the floor while the other must do nothing but sip wine and listen. When the first is finished, the other may rebut with his own account of the situation (my wife is usually calm before I am). Our resolution is to find agreement before we leave the porch.
I find that we are more willing to employ active listening techniques when the relationship between the disagreeing parties is worthy of the effort. This is the case for my wife and I as well as with most of my family, but what about with those whom I do not have more than minimal investment in? I listened to a TED talk about conflict resolution in preparation for this article (Ury, 2010). In this talk, Mr. Ury asked us to remember that our interest in a conflict means we have the ability to act as a third party and find a resolution by reminding the two what is really at stake. This is part of what my parents did each time my sister and I had our differences in life.
References:
Levine, S (2009) Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, San Francisco CA.
Ury, William (2010) TedxMidwest, The walk from no to yes. Retrieved from: https://www.ted.com/talks/william_ury/up-next?language=en.
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